A Stroke of Genius, or Insanity. I'll Let You Choose.

Ohhh it has been too long since I've worked my blogging fingers. (And in a mobile post no less) I've done so much since I last wrote here, I started college, almost got a job, watched a close friend move away, hoped a closer friend will move here, fought and cried and laughed and sort of lost my marbles. Literally.

I haven't written much in terms of poetry or prose because of school. That saddens me a little but I always roar back to life with a new surge of creativity. I've written several papers for 101 which my professor has happily ripped to shreds, told me I got the point but my skills basically suck. Then again she hasn't given anyone a grade over a B-...

My faith in my capabilities has been restored. I was going through a period where I didn't believe I could do it. I didn't believe I could conquer my inner demons and get rid of the weight I've been carrying around that's dragging me down. I can do this. I will do this. It might take me a while, I don't want to lose it too fast I just steadily want to go down. I just want to be healthy, and I want to be confident. I've realized that sometimes I can act confident. I feign confidence well, but when I sit here alone at my desk I realize just how much of a wuss I am because I'm scared someone will judge me. That's not me, I'm supposed to be Andreana the Brave. Andreana the Courageous. Not "Andreana, is going to hide under her desk now.." or ... "Andreana, doesn't want to go out today because she feels like a failure."

It's just so not me, and I'm tired of it. I want who I am on the outside to reflect the awesome person on the inside. Not cushion it, not create a protective barrier of loneliness, I want to EMBRACE it. So today is the day I change my life. Today is the day I stop telling myself I can't and start DOING and believing that I can.

Musing.

Everything feels right and wrong at the same time. Does that make sense? I certainly don't believe it makes sense, but it's how I feel right now. 

My father thinks I look mean, that my face looks angry. I told him I'm confused, he told me I'm supposed to be.. Seriously? Confusion is not what I'd like to spend the rest of my days in a state of. I need to take a certain aspect of my life, and learn to control it better. When that happens I think maybe a little more clarity will come up to the surface. Right now everything is muddy waters, and murky thoughts. I've taught myself to hold my tongue, for fear of offending someone, for fear of more arguments. It has also caused me to become, not only lost in myself, but unable to write for sometime. Nothing, and I mean nothing has come from my fingertips that I can genuinely say I am proud of literary wise. I'm proud that I found some bravery that I lost and told someone what I really thought of them. That felt nice.

I need this release, this flow of words and jumbled thoughts from my brain to keep myself on track with finding me, and improving my overall health, mental and physical. My physical health has drastically become my focus. I go to the gym almost everyday of the week, to work on my pent up frustration, my feelings of guilt for things I didn't do, my anger at my family for making me feel I caused these things. I bought boxing gloves, three nights of the week I do vigorous strength-training with my mother the rest is cardio. In which I destroy an elliptical machine. I'm not going to lie to you, whoever you are, and tell you that I happily jump on that elliptical every night and kill myself for half an hour. Sometimes, I want to give up midway through other days I don't want to step up and do it. I do though, I think about the people I admire, my grandfather, Sam, Mike<3,>

Selfish. It's one thing I never thought I'd call myself. Sometimes though, you need to be a LITTLE selfish. Just a little bit, indulge in something(even if it is a grueling workout that you semi-dread/semi-love) 

"Can't you do SOMETHING Andreana?" -Helen

Yeah, I sure can. . .