My father thinks I look mean, that my face looks angry. I told him I'm confused, he told me I'm supposed to be.. Seriously? Confusion is not what I'd like to spend the rest of my days in a state of. I need to take a certain aspect of my life, and learn to control it better. When that happens I think maybe a little more clarity will come up to the surface. Right now everything is muddy waters, and murky thoughts. I've taught myself to hold my tongue, for fear of offending someone, for fear of more arguments. It has also caused me to become, not only lost in myself, but unable to write for sometime. Nothing, and I mean nothing has come from my fingertips that I can genuinely say I am proud of literary wise. I'm proud that I found some bravery that I lost and told someone what I really thought of them. That felt nice.
I need this release, this flow of words and jumbled thoughts from my brain to keep myself on track with finding me, and improving my overall health, mental and physical. My physical health has drastically become my focus. I go to the gym almost everyday of the week, to work on my pent up frustration, my feelings of guilt for things I didn't do, my anger at my family for making me feel I caused these things. I bought boxing gloves, three nights of the week I do vigorous strength-training with my mother the rest is cardio. In which I destroy an elliptical machine. I'm not going to lie to you, whoever you are, and tell you that I happily jump on that elliptical every night and kill myself for half an hour. Sometimes, I want to give up midway through other days I don't want to step up and do it. I do though, I think about the people I admire, my grandfather, Sam, Mike<3,>
Selfish. It's one thing I never thought I'd call myself. Sometimes though, you need to be a LITTLE selfish. Just a little bit, indulge in something(even if it is a grueling workout that you semi-dread/semi-love)
"Can't you do SOMETHING Andreana?" -Helen
Yeah, I sure can. . .
