Who Said What Now?

I'm drowning in a sea of pretentious bull shit. No seriously, someone throw me a floatie or something? Why are people so stupid? ALSO, why does no one have the hutzpa to tell them they're stupid? If I could I'd scream it over a loudspeaker in the center of the Great Lawn in Central Park, spreading the message, "HEY IF YOU'VE GOT A FRIEND WHO'S A COMPLETE AND UTTER DOUCHE BAG MORON AND DOESN'T KNOW IT PLEASE INFORM THEM ON MY BEHALF, YOU CAN SEND THEM BACK HERE TO ME I'LL BE WAITING." Then When they get there I'll quickly and surreptitiously stab them in the face with the only weapon I am ever armed with, a spork.

Do not inform your friends, relatives, acquaintances, priests, teachers, school mates, lovers, ex-lovers, and or children that I will be wielding a spork a spork attack is most successful when not predicted. If you give away my secrets I will hunt you down and kill you till you're dead. Clear? Capiche!?!?! capiche.

If you would prefer to tell them yourself in hopes that your amazing kindness will somehow show them the light and force them to pick up a book and read for the pure enjoyment of doing so by all means give it a shot. . . Please do have a spork ready and waiting in case their reply begins with, "You're kidding right," "Dude, you're such a newb," or the ever-popular, "Gawd you're such a dweeb."  . . . . . . IN case of dweeb calling stab in eyes first, Dork is acceptable even Nerd is acceptable. . . Dweeb is unforgivable. 

In the event that you'd like to prolong said death by spork bring a straw instead and trache the person with it, breathing haphazardly into the straw when you feel they need some air. . . 

The real point of this is to just please, please for everyone's sake let someone know when they're stupid. It's only fair to at least let them have a friend tell them than to realize themselves